Perfectly Imperfect: Appearance vs Reality

Many people in my life tend to presume that I have hundreds of friends who are “always” there for me at every moment of my life. They look at my social media, and they go, ‘WHOA, your life is so “Happening!!!”. You’re always having so much “Fun!!!”. You seem so “Busy”, looks like we gotta make an appointment to come meet you after this’. And so on so forth.. As much as some of it may be true to a certain extent, here is the reality:

1. NOPE, not everyone is ‘always’ there for me. I’m usually my own Best Friend and Cheerleader most of the time, as painful & hard as that can be.

2. NO, my life is not all a BED OF ROSES. There are LOADS & LOADS of THORNS too.

3. NO, it isn’t always so HAPPENING & FUN. There are lots of dull & gloomy days too which I make a deliberate choice not to show because I believe in spreading positivity & positivity ALONE!

4. Busy or not, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS make time for my friends and family & also to whoever who needs me. To me, it’s all about learning how to manage your PRIORITIES well.

5. Having friends/followers on social media & having ‘true’ friends are two VERY, VERY different things.

In my previous article {link}, I promised YOU, my loyal readers, that I will share something I have never shared about myself in public. This, involves another side of me. A less positive side. And the reason I’m sharing this with all of you is:

1. To show people that everyone’s lives is not necessarily as ‘perfect’ as it seems.. People only usually show the best version of themselves on social media.

2. To send out the message that you are NOT alone in whatever battles you may be facing in life!! There are probably millions of people out there going through the same if not worse. Despite the so called ‘perfect’ life they may be portraying.

3. It is completely OKAY to NOT be okay!

So, here it goes…

On the 20th of Jan (19th night) 2017, at around 1am, I overdosed myself with 16 capsules of a painkiller called Gabapentin in attempts to end my life. I waited for a few minutes and nothing much was happening to my body. I wasn’t even feeling sleepy for me to just doze off. In fact, I became more alert. So I contacted someone close to me who then notified my parents who were asleep when all this was happening. My folks then brought me to the nearest hospital. I was at the emergency department from 2+ (am) until about 2+ (pm) as I was under a 12 hour observation. During this period of time, I had shortness of breath and I was weak, lethargic, kinda in a daze (like I was stoned) but not so sleepy as I had expected (because it is supposed to have made me drowsy). I managed to sleep a little anyway so that was good. I also had uncontrollable tremors twice in between which lasted for a few minutes. I suppose that was the peak of the reaction (side effect). The blood tests that they took came back normal. My temperature was 37.5 degree celsius (slight fever). My blood pressure was a little high at first but it eventually came back to normal. The only problem was that my heart rate was quite high (palpitations) so one of the nurses there was reluctant to send me home but the doctor came and cleared me anyway. After coming home, I had severe body aches (which involved the bones) for a few days and I had developed severe gastritis too but otherwise, I was okay. I just had flu and fever for a day which had eventually caused my sinuses to inflame and become infected. And it wasn’t getting better so I had to go on antibiotics. But besides that, I was okay. Well, physically. This made me realize how withstanding my tiny body really is. And that I should not underestimate its capacity & instead, appreciate it more.

Now I know many of you who do not understand mental illness will not understand why I did what I did. Some of you may even judge me for taking that course of action. Some of you may think I was being very selfish and inconsiderate. And that’s okay. But let me tell you something, people who do this, are not ‘selfish’ or ‘stupid’. They are just HUMAN. In my previous articles {“She was drowning, but nobody saw her struggle..”} & {Money? Fame? Success? “In the End, It Doesn’t Even Matter”}, I briefly gave you a rough idea of what goes through someone’s mind when they are battling Depression or any form of mental illness & having suicidal thoughts. Mental illness, just like any form of physical illness, needs constant treatment and healing too. There’s no magic button you can press to make it all go away. It takes many different approaches to find the right balance for yourself & a lot of emotional support from those around you is very vital too. Not to mention, the constant Hard Work you need to put in to maintain the balance you have established for yourself. Trust me, I know this faaar too well because I, for one, have been battling with a mental illness for years – since teenage-hood. However, it took me many years to realize this. I always thought I was just being a difficult teenager, just like how most people generally label teenagers as. The periods of self harm, the suicidal thoughts, the moments of uncontrollable anger and bouts of irritability, all stemmed from the many years of isolation and loneliness I suffered throughout my childhood and adolescence which has also unfortunately extended into adulthood as well. To top it all, I also suffer from a lot of physical pain and it has only gotten worse over the years because of my debilitating condition. In another article of mine {link}, I explained to you briefly why I am in a lot of physical pain which also results in emotional pain. But aside from that, I would like to share with you’ll that I also suffer from Severe Depression. On days of PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome), it can also turn into PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). These mental illnesses can be a handful to deal with & it more often than not hampers me from becoming the best version of myself. It brings out a side of me I am not happy to see. It comes knocking on my door uninvited and waaay too often for my liking; leaving me paralyzed with an overwhelming gush of emotions all at once. It affects my relationships with people, especially the ones I hold dear to me. And most of all, it affects my sanity. Despite all this, this isn’t what you would see in my social media postings or when you meet me in person. You will mostly see a young lady who smiles endlessly & laughs like a crazy girl to almost anything she finds funny. [talk about good acting skills 😋]

So once again, my friends, the whole point of why I am sharing this with you today is not to indulge in self pity or seek your attention, but it is to remind all of you that what people choose to portray in public doesn’t necessarily denote that their life is “perfect” without any challenges whatsoever. It just simply means they choose to portray the positive instead of the negative. It simply means that they constantly choose to be better & choose to spread positivity despite the thousand rocks constantly hitting them hard on the back. So to all those of you who think that other people’s lives are better than yours, please think again! Because you may very well be wrong!! And also, a gentle reminder to please reach out to one another and be there for each other at all times. Because knowing that someone truly cares for you and that you are not alone in whatever battles that you may be facing is honestly the best feeling in the world. It could also very well Save A Life!!

Till next time,

Your Imperfect Nut

Note: Please click on the underlined words/phrases to be redirected to another link for further explanation. I would also strongly recommend you to read my previous articles linked in this article (if you haven’t already) to gain a better understanding of the whole message in this article & also to gain insights into certain important topics that should be discussed more in today’s world.

3 Replies to “Perfectly Imperfect: Appearance vs Reality”

  1. THIS POST CAME AT RIGHT TIME BABE! This is so me rn, the hardest part is when I have to act normal but inside I’m not okay. Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure that you’re stronger than me, God knows that you can facing it. Hugs xx

    Like

  2. Amazingly written by a beautiful soul..

    Poignant picture of what depression is..

    Sometimes it’s just too much.

    Continue inspiring others with your words.

    Like

  3. Spot on nadeera and very brave of you. Depression is not something you can snap out from and it is a very dark place to be in. And yes, it is ok not to be ok.

    Like

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