As I lay in bed, thinking of the various questionable ?¿ friendships I have at the moment, I was brought back to a time in the past where practically 80% of my friendships were ‘questionable’. All I remember from school is being isolated and shunned away from everything. Not only the things I couldn’t participate in, but the things I could too. All I remember from school was jealousy, envy, backstabbing and bickering. So I made a pact with myself to trust NO ONE. Even the friends that were sincerely nice to me, I kept a fair distance. This was for my own safeguard and wellbeing. I did not want to get even more hurt than I already was at that time. So my primary focus was shifted towards my studies and doing well in it (or doing the best I could at least). All I wanted to do was finish school and get the HELL out of there. The only people in school that truly supported me all the way were my teachers. In fact, that was also another contributing factor to the backstabbing and gossips that went around. Anyways, I am still ever grateful for all the teachers who believed in me and kept me going. Thank You!! 🙏🏻
Fast forward, school was finally over. It was time for uni. This was a time I told myself I’ll start over. Turn a new page, a new chapter in a brand new book. And I did. I managed to make new friends who accepted me for who I am and who weren’t particularly ‘jealous’ of me or found any need to compete with me. The university I was in was also a place I could be independent so I finally felt FREE. And the friends I made weren’t just from uni but from other areas around Klang Valley as well. Some friends didn’t stay of course. But the true ones did. And again, I’m ever so grateful for that. You know who you are 🙂
After I left uni though, things began to change. I was again back to not being fully independent as how I always wished to be. This started becoming a factor or a so-called ‘reason’ for me not to be able to meet my friends or attend various gatherings, birthday parties and so on. The excuse that I live ‘too far away’ was then used countless number of times whenever I got lesser and lesser invites or whenever there were lesser and lesser efforts to meet up. I used to buy it at the beginning. Because yes, Semenyih is indeed a little further inside from KL/PJ. But eventually, I didn’t buy it anymore. Because I started hearing excuses like ‘the place is not convenient for you’, ‘it’s not accessible’, ‘there’s no space in the car’, ‘we thought it’d be too much trouble for you’ and so on so forth. It made me realize, no matter how close-by I live, there is always gonna be some excuse for me not to be a part of this ‘elite’ group. Then there’ll be some who will try to make up for their earlier statements by saying ‘we’ll come and visit you soon’ or something along those lines. Um hello, I’m not some Royal Highness for you to come and ‘visit’ me. I’m just like any one of you who just wants to be treated equally and valued similarly. If you’re not interested in doing that or if you’re not interested to include me in part of your elite group, then the door is left wide open for you to turn and walk the other way.
Also, there’ll be others who will make countless number of plans and promises but will hardly ever fulfill them. You’ll always be the one who will have to remind them and with those numerous reminders, comes more and more false promises. The agreement or ‘promise’ can be as simple as an appointment for a phone call or a WhatsApp conversation. Like uh, the last I checked, I don’t need to be in close physical proximity with you to have a phone/WhatsApp conversation with you do I? And the excuses that they come up with would be ‘oh sorry, I was busy’, ‘I’m going through something personal’, ‘I need my space’, etc., when the very next day, you see them going out with other mutual friends of yours of attending a weekend birthday party getaway with those same mutual friends. So much for being ‘busy’ or needing ‘space’ huh?
I must say though, I may be going all Diva 💁🏻♀️ about this now, but it wasn’t all a bed of roses to deal with and it still isn’t at times. Having your closest friends (or so you thought) treat you such is NO FUN. It hurts. It cuts through your skin, veins and even bones at times. Especially if it is from someone you least expect or those who you would drop everything for in a split second if they needed you. However, I’m slowly beginning to let go. I’m slowly beginning to realize that life is too short to hold on to those who don’t want you. I began to realize this more and more when I started making new circles of friends – people from the RD (Rare Disorders) group, strangers at random, etc. They have all made me realize that life on this earthly plane is way too short to be brooding over all this & it is so not worth holding on to the ones that you wish to have in your lives but in actual fact, are not that interested in having you in theirs. I’ve learnt that the more you hold on to those who don’t want you, the more you’ll miss out on the new and wonderful friendships out there.
A piece of advise for all the losers who give false hope to people like us though, if you’re really not interested to include a particular someone into your ‘cool’ group cause you think you’re way too cool for him or her, just have the b***s to say so yourself. There’s no need to pretend to be all caring and empathetic when all you actually care about is yourself and your ‘cool’ group. Trust me people, it is more daunting and hurtful to know that those who claim to be your closest friends (so-called) end up doing this to you. It’s waaay better to come clean instead. And remember, WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND. Therefore, “Do not do unto others as you would not have them do unto you.” 😉
Your Beautifully Imperfect Nut