PAIN. What is pain?
This word and what it means can be very subjective to each & every individual. The English Oxford Dictionary defines it as 1. Highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury. // 2. Mental suffering or distress.
Pain can be in both forms – mental and physical. A lot of people have asked me if I’m in pain and how much pain I’m in. It’s hard to describe really. Because everyone’s threshold of pain is different. A 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 for me, may be a 10 for you. Or vice versa.
Nevertheless, let me attempt to briefly explain what it’s like for me on a day to day basis. Basically, over the years, my aches and pains have increased manifold due to various reasons. One being my severe Kyphoscoliosis that has worsened (and still IS worsening) overtime. Another being a complication on my spinal cord, particularly in the C2 & C3 area known as Syringomyelia. [I’m gonna skip the explanations of these two conditions here but if you click on those words, it will lead you to a link explaining what they are and what it means to have those conditions]
Having both of these conditions as a result of Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI) has definitely changed the way I move & function because it not only brings about aches and pains throughout my body but it also brings about other symptoms such as numbness, stiffness, weakness, fatigue and so on.. Even waking up every morning can be a challenge because I wake up with all these feelings all at once and it takes a while for my body to slowly ease itself from it. So every morning is a battle between my mind and body with my mind saying: ‘Wake up Nadeera! Ignore these feelings!! Just wake up and get going. You don’t have all day. Time waits for no man!’ and my body saying: ‘But I can’t. I’m so tired. Five more minutes please. Gosh, why am I feeling like this? God, kill me already!!’ lol
Once I’m finally out of bed, bathing becomes another tiring task so I always tend to put that on hold if I’m not going anywhere 😂 That said, I love the feeling of the running water on my body though.. But what I mean is, the fatigue and exhaustion can be so overwhelming sometimes that it just makes you not want to do anything. Not to mention, the stiffness and the pain all over that just makes it hard to even move. My spine is so curved these days that even being in a normal siting position for a period of time can be very painful. Due to this, I have to sit leaning forward with my legs folded at the back most of the time now. If many of you were wondering why I sit like this with my huge butt sticking out for the world to see, well, this is why! I mean no disrespect to anyone trust me 😅 Not that the pain magically disappears when I’m sitting in this position of course. It’s just a little less strenuous on my back and my legs. At times, I get this sharp shooting pain across my legs – it feels like sparks are firing inside of me. And it’s just so annoying!! Sitting long hours in any position increases these feelings of pain and discomfort. Imagine your phone with a really bad battery life that always goes down very quickly even after you’ve charged it – yeah I’m like that!
So, all these physical pain eventually leads to mental/emotional/psychological pain as well. I’ve had to come to term with the constant changes that were taking place in my body with every passing day, month and year. From having a straight back to a back that now looks like the Twisties snack, to becoming shorter instead of taller over the years, to basically looking like a frog (kids have said it out loud by the way…and I don’t blame them). So yes, the issues of self esteem & self image tends to lurk in every now and then. Moreover, when I sleep at night, or at any time of the day, I have to sleep sideways because lying flat on my back causes great discomfort and pain as well. This reminds me of the times I used to lie flat on my back for hours because it was one of my favourite positions. Having all these thoughts as you can imagine, just naturally disrupts your mental and emotional health. There have been countless number of times where I’ve just hoped I would never wake up the next morning. Not because I hate my life or the way I am right now but because of the thought of knowing that the next world is a much better place to be at. Plus, I don’t have to take my body with me. I just need my soul 😋
Anyways, the point of me sharing all these is not to gain your sympathy and have you all say ‘oh you poor little thing!’. Trust me, that’s the last thing I would ever want. I just hope that by sharing my struggles, someone might be able to benefit from it. And maybe some of you may even be able to relate to it. Pain to me has been life changing. And my advise to everyone would be to use whatever pain you are going through as fuel to KEEP GOING. Life is beautiful and there is so much that we all can and should be grateful for and boy am I ever so grateful for all that God has endowed upon me.
Stay tuned for my next post as I share some of the key elements that has kept me going all these years..
Till then, Adios & Happy Sunday to all of you!
Much LOVE from
Your Beautifully Imperfect Nut
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